The Big Picture

I often talk about this, particularly when I am attempting to be of comfort to others. At times when a friend is going through heartache or disappointment I am so quick to point it out, so eager to share my wisdom. So much so that I eager myself out of remembering it when I need it most. The Big Picture.

 In the last year, my little family has experienced numerous difficulties. Don't get me wrong, I am still enthralled with my little daughters and watching them grow (and getting some sleep). Connor is an amazing little boy and I feel so blessed that he chose us as his family. I have a husband I adore and who makes me laugh. I have great friends. I am remembering to be grateful for the mommy-moments and the good times. We have had some fun family trips and I got to spend time in SoCal twice this summer. The main issue that we have been dealing with - and for me it is no small thing - is uncertainty. It has loomed all around us. Without getting into specifics, and knowing that life is full of uncertain things, I can say that it has been a burden that has been almost too much for me to bear.

 I like things in their little boxes, I love to plan to a fault. I need blueprints, itineraries. I won't even fly stand-by, that's how NOT-operate-by-the-seat-of-your-pants I am. I think it can be a fault and I work on flexibility (this is why I keep going back to yoga even though I have decided that I don't think I really DO like it all that much, because even my body has trouble being flexible). I actually believe it is the key to longevity so I try to be really rigid about being flexible. And in some ways, I have made great strides. But in the ways I am being tested on now, not so much. So I struggle.

 Some things in my life I was counting on happening, that would surely solve all our problems have not come to fruition and I just don't understand what is going on. My crystal ball is on the fritz. My mojo meter is definitely off. I feel a little bit adrift.

 So this post is more for me than anyone else. And if it can help one of you dear readers (if you are even out there anymore???) then even better. This cloud of despair has taken up too much of my time. I have been beyond negligent in my blogging and the things that I need to do to be complete and happy. So it is time for a gentle breeze of wisdom to blow through and clear my skies again.

 A long time ago I was experiencing the pain of a miscarriage, back when Lonny and I had barely been married a year. Through my heartache, I kept hearing a voice inside that said, "you are hurting now, but you can't see the big picture". I bought a CD by Cherie Call, a favorite of mine, in an attempt to lift my spirits. I opened it up and read the liner notes (I love doing this, I will read them cover to cover before I even listen to the music. Gotta have that itinerary!) and the very first thing I read was "this is a collection of songs about the Big Picture"! I couldn't believe it. I put down the liner notes immediately and popped in the CD. (I know I am dating myself here now because isn't it all about the bluetooth or something now? I know not). The first song was called "The Ocean in Me". The lyric that hit me right in the heart and the gut, that impacted my life and made me decide that Cherie Call and I really do need to be forever girlfriends (though we still aren't...Cherie? are you out there?) went like this:
 "And when I feel like just a teardrop in the rain
 When I meant to be a river
 God sees the ocean in me"
 Simple? Yes. Beautiful in it's imagery? Most definitely. Life changing? For me, absolutely. I cannot tell you how many times I have called on these words when I have needed them. In that situation, as you know, the teardrop of a miscarriage turned into an ocean of three beautiful, healthy children. That's one heck of a Big Picture. In my current situation? I have gone a whole year without remembering it. The Big Picture. I can't see it now, but it's there. I believe it with every fiber of my being.
 "And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain,
 when I ask to be delivered
He shows the ocean to me
 He sees the ocean in me"
 There's a whole ocean in me here and I don't even know it! The part I need to remember? "When I ask to be delivered".....I forgot to ask! And I don't think that it is about asking to be spared from heartache. I think she is talking about the deliverance of surrender. I have been so busy fighting everything, trying to force the puzzle pieces to fit. I forgot to ask for help.

 I finally asked for a blessing. The recurring theme was about making family a priority. So I am going to finally clean out my heart (and ears!) and do just that. Appreciate every moment with my kids, show gratitude to my husband. A dear dear friend ("dear" doesn't even cut it) of mine passed away this summer. She was 46 years old and had chosen a difficult path in life. But she was the sweetest person you would ever hope to meet. I have so many interesting friends because of her. I could devote an entire post (and more) to her. She left behind 5 children, the youngest is 9. She missed becoming a grandmother for the first time by just mere weeks. Life is uncertain. Love every moment. I sat at her funeral and even forgot that.

 So now I move on from letting uncertainty take the reigns. Can't avoid it, but I am not going to let it run the show. Though it all looks terribly bleak now, it will all work out. Time to make room for the Big Picture.

 My mother-in-law reminded me of Proverbs 3:5-6:
 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths".

 Now it is time to trust. And apparently, to get out my Cherie Call CD again.