Reflection

Unbelievably, it is November. The month of Thanksgiving and Lonny's birthday, both of which give me pause to think about what I am grateful for. It is also National Adoption Awareness month and I certainly can't let my gratitude for this wonderful blessing go unmentioned. It has literally changed my life and countless others, some that I know, some I do not. We all share a bond, one that is that of a gratitude that we are hard pressed to find the words for. That someone would perform an act of such selfless, amazing grace as to hand their child over to us to love, cherish and parent, when we could not do it for ourselves...that someone would so desire a better life for their baby then they are able to give them....well it is difficult for us to comprehend. And we have hearts that are full.

Adoption is a journey, one filled with mountains and valleys. Connor, of course, has taken us to the highest of peaks. I can barely look at him sometimes without my eyes filling up with tears (in a good way) and find myself thanking God, for the millioneth time, for this incredible little person, who I not only love with all my heart, but actually LIKE. I count him among my closest friends and I know that he was meant to be in my life. He is as much a part of me as is possible and I feel myself overwhelmed in the knowledge that not only did his birthmother choose Lonny and I, but so did he. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to us.

We have also walked in Adoption's deepest valley. It was one year ago today that a little boy was born that we were absolutely certain was meant to be in our family. It was also one year ago today that our adoption collapsed and he was taken out of our lives just as quickly as he came in. For those of you who know me well, I don't have to tell you of the suffering that has gone on this past year. Many of you have been with me when we were talking about something as innocuous as the weather, only to have me dissolve in a puddle of tears, seemingly out of nowhere. I won't lie, it has been a burden that has been difficult for me to bear. I have never known such pain in my entire life. I have done what I possibly can to get "better" and certainly some days are better than others. But all the therapy in the world cannot seem to erase the memory of holding that little boy in my arms and calling him by the name that Lonny and I had spent so much time and love choosing for him. It cannot erase all the hopes and dreams I held for that precious little one....hopes and dreams that were not mine to hold for him after all. It cannot ease the ache of my empty arms. It cannot, so it seems, put back together the pieces of my broken heart.

Some of you have noticed that our two main profiles are no longer running. There are myriad reasons for this, but mostly it has to do with a hard summer where we seemed to be getting hit with hoax after hoax after hoax. There was one in particular last July that still has me marveling at the cruelty that we human beings are capable of inflicting on one another. Sometimes, in the choppy waters of adoption, you have to come up for air. The time came for that to happen. I could not take one more e-mail inviting me to adopt one more non-existent baby. It was time to breathe. I am so thankful that Lonny and I are savvy enough to know an adoption hoax when we see one - that has come from our hours spent with the Utah Adoption Counsel, volunteering for FSA and just taking the time to become educated. My heart hurts though, for the countless couples who are desperate, just like us, but aren't equipped to know the signs.

I don't know why we had to go through this or why anybody does for that matter. I know that we aren't alone. I have personally heard of more adoptions falling through this year then ones that actually went through. And to those of you reading this that have gone through this darkness, I know how hard it is to articulate to others what it is like. The death of a dream is hard to express. There is no body to bury, there is no ritual for this, there is no Hallmark card that says "So sorry to hear of your infertility" or "So sorry your adoption fell through" - at least that I know of. There is only the promise of hope....and that one day we will understand and we will be able to say "Oh - I get it now...I now KNOW why we had to go through this" just as anyone who has been through something that seems impossible to survive. I love you, I know you and you are forever a part of my heart's family.

I have tried very hard to resolve myself to thinking we are just meant to be a one child family (some days, when there are tantrums and "accidents" and back talk, it is easier than others!). I try to think of all the wonderful advantages we can give Connor and there would be many (i.e., perhaps private school,a guaranteed secondary education, travel opportunities). I try to push away the downsides of being an only, but that is hard as I am one myself. I think about having both parents gone and having no one to recall family childhood memories with. But then I feel better because Connor is fortunate - he has a wonderful family with his surviving grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (some of whom are related, some that we have created in our friends and their children) that can provide him with that. And he can create more family for himself just as I have ( I have more "brothers"and "sisters" then I know what to do with!). I know these things. Yet somehow, I cannot get rid of this feeling that we are incomplete. And as difficult as it is for me to trust my feelings anymore, to hold on to faith for very much longer and to allow that hope into my life again , I feel so compelled to that I am finally feeling like I am ready to wipe away the tears (at least for today), say my prayers, put my hurts aside, and try again.

We are working towards getting one of the profiles back up and running. I will let you know when that happens. We are looking into alternative solutions, such as surrogacy, but to go through an agency is more expensive than I even thought possible. But the bottom line is we are opening our hearts again. Slowly, cautiously and maybe without our entire footing, but we are getting closer every day. I appreciate your prayers, your hugs, your feelings of helplessness as you watched me crumble before your very eyes (you helped, you really did). We love you and all of the support and the love we have felt. If you think you may know someone who might be able to help us with the dream of adding one more miracle to our lives, please don't be hesitant to contact us. Even if it is a tiny glimmer - that is how you build hope back in your soul again. Step by step.

And if not us, there are so many beautiful, worthy couples who just have the righteous desire of building their family. If you know someone who is experiencing an unplanned pregancy and you feel like you can, give them an ever so gentle reminder that adoption is an option. Happy Adoption Awareness month to all of us...because I would be willing to bet that every single one of us is affected by adoption in one way or another. And thank you again, for loving me and especially, loving my special, beautiful, amazing, talented, looks just like his dad but acts like his mom, ADOPTED son!One of the happiest (if not THE happiest)moments of my life. Birthmom had literally placed Connor in my arms just moments before and we were on our way home.
I have posted this one before, but it was of my all time favorites with Connor and I - and a bonus! A little good luck charm named....Hope!!!